after a night of restless sleep and flood of painful memories. remembering the closest who've hurt me and claimed to have loved me...fuck the saying "it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" because it's bullshit. for the little that i've known jaimie i've loved her a lot. a fucking lot! it's ridiculous how much and still now i would still want to be with her...fuck my life fuck fuck fuck...fuck it all!
sometimes i wonder why i try? why is it i try so hard to fail? is it my calling in life to fail at good? should i jus quit and do wat i do best and look out for myself? honestly i think i should give up on being the shoulder and armor for those i believe need me the most and let them fuck up their lives. like today's questions i mean i ask and keep asking because i care and want to make sure they're happy. if i didn't give a fuck why would i ask. a lot of the time ppl think there's ill intent in the question like i'm trying to make them unhappy? why the fuck would i do that? but whatever that's all i'm glad i got this thing to rant in makes life a lil easier. LOL fuck me and fuck ME.
why is it so hard to see the ones you once loved move on with their lives as you hang onto the past as if it's gonna go back to the way it was? i hate the way i am. always hanging onto the past as if i would have another chance to fix it. why can't i let go to of the past. knowing it's done and i had fucked up. never do i realize what i have and enjoy it. jamie i got mad fucked it up got with panda fucked that up cuz i still love jamie and panda left and now i realize i love her but i kno it won't work but i kno me and jamie won't work too. WTF is wrong with me! drinking qwells my thinking but it triples the next day and i become depressed and suicidial all over again but worse. i'm jus glad i'm strong enough to resist the temptations of it. not that purgatory would be all that terrible. or the world of not knowing i'm dead, but then again i'd be tortured with my own thoughts of not loving again... and that would destroy me for eternity... well maybe it's time to forgive and throw my heart out again. and jus get trampled to feel alive.
Just sitting around today I've realized that just being by myself isn't so bad. But the pain in the chest of heart-ache is very painful but not as painful is being unhappy with someone that will never be mine. LOL Alyssa as much as I like her I know I won't be with me. She's like the girl I want to be with but the girl I will never find myself with. I have final realized how crappy it is to be the loser who likes a girl "A LOT" but the girl doesn't return the feeling. I've always told myself I'll never be that guy but here I am being that fucking loser... Sometimes i feel that life tests us with such things to shape us into the person we will become. That's it for now...
Why do I always feel alone when things are at their best? Why do things seem to slip away when I have a foot hold on life? Why can't I be happy for the things I have? Fuck my life! Fuck myself! Fuck all the reasons I don't have to be happy! I don't understand why I can't be happy for the things I have. I hate how I am...I've fallen for a girl I'll never achieve no matter what I do. Knowing that is like setting a knife in my chest and just wiggling it every time i think of her in a romantic way. When i'm with it it seems to go away in a melancholy melody of just not caring just enjoying the time I have to think. Most would enjoy the time they have with the person they like i enjoy the time i have to myself wen with her. like time spent with her becomes time spent by myself but with someone around. I don't understand myself at all! I don't understand how anyone will! Fuck! I hate all of this and the mixed feelings and just fuck it all sometimes death's silence sounds so soothing. To be condemned to nothingness seems like a relief to all the noise the confusion and the fucked people that make up life...well fucked if u do fucked if u don't!
